


honey, with you, there's always hope

by sweetsindle



Series: Gifts/Requests!!! 💙💙💙 [1]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aster has a lot of things he wants to unpack but feels like he can't, Dadbastian, Eventual Relationships, F/M, First Love, Flower Language Prompt, Fluff and Angst, For mimihatsune, Gift Fic, Heavy Angst, Love at First Sight, Murder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff, not sebaciel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22653667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetsindle/pseuds/sweetsindle
Summary: ᴇᴠᴇʀ ꜱɪɴᴄᴇ ʜɪꜱ ʙɪᴏʟᴏɢɪᴄᴀʟ ꜰᴀᴍɪʟʏ ᴅɪᴇᴅ ᴀʟᴍᴏꜱᴛ 4 ʏᴇᴀʀꜱ ᴀɢᴏ, ᴀꜱᴛᴇʀ ᴘʜᴀɴᴛᴏᴍʜɪᴠᴇ, ɴᴇ ᴍɪᴄʜᴀᴇʟɪꜱ, ʜᴀꜱ ᴅᴏᴜʙᴛᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʜᴇ ʜᴀᴅ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴡᴏʀᴛʜʏ ᴏꜰ ʜᴀᴘᴘɪɴᴇꜱꜱ...ᴜɴᴛɪʟ ʜɪꜱ ᴄʟᴀꜱꜱᴍᴀᴛᴇ, ᴀ ᴄᴇʀᴛᴀɪɴ ꜱɪᴇɢʟɪɴᴅᴇ ꜱᴜʟʟɪᴠᴀɴ, ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇᴅ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴀᴛ.
Relationships: Ciel Phantomhive/Sieglinde Sullivan
Series: Gifts/Requests!!! 💙💙💙 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653784
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. the sunlight in his desolate garden

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the First Half of the Coup de foudre Kuroshitsuji Valentine’s Day Event on Tumblr!
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day, Mimi! (https://mimihatsune.tumblr.com/) I'm your secret admirer. I hope you enjoy, hon! 💙

_"Are you alright, Blue?" A soft voice rang out from behind me - a subtle, yet evident German accent. I hadn't wanted to admit it then, but at that moment, (and now, still) I thought it was beautiful._

_"Don't call me that - it's Aster."_

_"Aster, huh? I like that name."_

That's all it had taken for me to get attached her, Sieglinde Sullivan. She had been new, just coming into Weston High only in the past month by the time she had first called me Blue. 

I was annoyed then, I'll admit that...but...now looking back, nothing has made me smile more. She still calls me that - and did, even though I told her not to. She smiled, her hands behind her back as she gave me a look.

_"Why? You are Blue, aren't you? Everything about you is!" she told me, in an almost commanding, sort of way._

_"What do you mean...?"_

_"Well, let me start: Your hair, your eye, your clothes, your backpack, your phone, your journal, and..."_

_"- And what?"_

She gave a sad smile and sat down next to me as she cocked her head to the side.

_"Everything about you. You feel so sad...what's happened to you, Blue?"_

For the longest time, I had convinced myself that I wasn't worthy of happiness. That companionship didn't matter - to me, I didn't need friends. I didn't need a girlfriend - they'd all take what they wanted from me and leave me in the dust, alone to wither away in my lonely garden while weeds attacked the last living parts of me.

I had my adoptive father, Sebastian, and our dog that we adopted together, Cerebrus, but it just wasn't the same. It was hard to talk to him about everything, even though I knew he cared - in his own, Sebastian, sort of way. Every time I tried, I always got this weird, queasy feeling and changed the subject. After all, why would I tell him how I feel? Their both just going to leave me anyways, so what's the point? 

I thought that everyone would throw me away for the longest time...or that after a while, they'd leave me. 

One certain Valentine's Day afternoon, a certain Sieglinde Sullivan taught me otherwise, and I'll never stop being grateful. 

* * *

"You know you walking away won't stop me."

"I was hoping it would."

"Well, you hoped wrong. Sit down, I have snacks. We can talk about it!"

"Why would you want to talk about why I'm 'supposedly' sad? Why do you care? I've literally never seen you before in my entire life - you just came here like, what? A month ago? Just go bother someone else!"

She stared at me and crossed her arms. "Okay, and? Why does it matter? Is it wrong to care about other people, Blue?"

_"No-"_

" -Exactly. You don't have to tell me everything, obviously, just stuff you feel comfortable with telling me. I won't tell anyone, okay?"

"Why not? Whenever I tell someone that 'supposedly wants to help me', they just go around, blubbering to every bloody person under the son!"

"Well, not everyone is like that."

Sieglinde sighed, shaking her head as she sat down next to me and patted the ground, signaling for me to follow. "I really hoped you dumped whoever did that to you in the trash - no one deserves to have people like that leeching off of them!"

I did, not really knowing why. I grabbed my backpack and pulled it into my lap, dumping my journal and folders in, and zipping it back up before shoving my phone into my water bottle holder. "Yup. I wouldn't have had a choice, anyways. As soon as Sebastian found out he went apeshit and by the end of the day, they would have been lucky to have their grounding ended by the time they leave high school."

"Sebastian?"

"He's my dad. He adopted me when I was ten."

"How old are you now? You look about...what, twelve or thirteen? Fourteen, maybe?"

"I just turned thirteen a couple of months ago. What about you?"

"I'm going to turn twelve in March."

"Wait...What? How are you here?"

She looked at me, grinning triumphantly as she flipped her long, black locks away as if she were a fashion model walking down the Paris Fashion Week runway. "The same way you're in 11th grade at thirteen-"

"How did you know-"

"We're in the same homeroom, idiot! Weren't you there the day I was introduced?"

"What day was that...?"

"January fourteenth!"

"Oh...I was sick. Like, really, really sick."

"Sick?" Sieglinde cocked her head at me, honestly looking...strangely worried for me? "That's horrible! What were you sick with? Now that I think about it, I don't think I actually saw you until Wednesday...Like, the twenty-third. That's a really, really long time!"

"Oh, you think that's long? I was sick from the very beginning of January! Sebastian said he thinks it started on the 7th, maybe. I had bronchitis and a bit of a fever. It was the worst!"

"That sounds painful - doesn't bronchitis make you cough a lot? Your throat feels horrible? A ton of wheezing in general?"

I nodded, awkwardly tucking a strand of my dyed-blue hair from my good eye, a sigh escaping my lips. "Yup," I admitted, popping the 'P'. "It's even worse because my mum blessed me with asthma. I'm sure you've noticed that I have it by now. With all the times I've skipped PE and whipped it out like Sonic while I'm chasing after Soma? The most annoying and obvious thing in the world."

"Ohhh, yes! I have! - You're the one that's always reading those Sherlock Holmes books," she said, a soft smile appearing on her lips. "A good read! - I just started reading the series last week because I saw you reading them. I wasn't sure how good they'd be because I'm not much for mysteries, but I gotta say, Blue, you have some good taste!"

"You really think so...?" I asked her, an unknowing smile gracing my lips as I scooted closer to her. "I can recommend you a ton of books! Hell, I can even let you borrow some-" Grinning, I reached into my backpack and pulled out a few books, practically shoving them in her hands. "These are some of my favorites!"

Sieglinde cocked her head once again, giving me a...smirky sort of look before nodding enthusiastically, and taking them - and reaching into her own bag, pulling out a book of her own, and giving it to me. "If you lend me some, then I'll lend you some, too! We should discuss them - I'd give you more but I wasn't on planning on meeting someone that liked reading-"

"Like reading? I actually love it more than like," I admitted, laughing shyly. "I much rather read than do just about anything else, if I'm...being completely honest!" I let out a shaky sigh, blushing madly at my own boldness. I didn't know why, but at that moment, my heart starting racing. I felt sort of dizzy, almost like after Sebastian and I had just left the spinning teacups at Disney World, and he had spun it way too fast to annoy me and I felt sick...only...somehow, this was a good feeling.

She looked at me, her look quickly snapping into an excited grin, practically bouncing with excitement. "Oh - you! Why didn't you say so in the first place! I'm so happy - be my reading buddy, ok? I have a ton of books! - No one here yet has been excited as you for reading as you are! - and because of that, mister Blue, I demand we become friends!"

"Friends...?" I asked her, practically breathless at the request as she happily plopped the book in my lap and gave me yet another smile. This confused me greatly - it's not like I just had random people coming up to me every day (or any day, really - Soma, Finny and Elizabeth, were my only friends, and I knew Lizzy since I was a baby, Finny since I was ten, and Soma I had just met the year before) to want to be my friend. After all, the only thing people saw me when the word "friend" was involved, was "useful" - as in, they could pretend to be my friend and force me to do their homework which may or may not have happened a few...too many times.

My head started to spin, and I couldn't help but smile like an idiot, absentmindedly grabbing a strand of my navy-blue hair, and twisting it around my finger like some hopeless, lovesick puppy - 

_Wait...wh-_

Nodding, she giggled and grabbed my hand, shaking it radically. "Oh, I'm so happy we found something in common!" she said before putting the books in her pack. "By the way, are you free at lunch, Blue?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Mhm...no reason."

"Stop playing games. What do you want?"

"Well..."

"The bell is about to ring. You want to talk to me about why I'm 'blue', right?"

She gave me an awkward, knowing grin and nodded, zipping her pack up. "If you're okay with that, that is...I just want to help you, ok? And just like I said before Blue, I'm not gonna go around like those douchebags from earlier let everyone and their dog know, ok? I'm not that kind of person-"

"And I realized you aren't."

"I- _what?"_ she asked me, clearly taken aback. 

"After...well, this may sound...stupid...but..."

I paused, my heart suddenly starting to pound like it never had before, and my hands grew increasingly sweaty, causing me to (hopefully she didn't notice - God I'm SO EMBARRASSED) wipe my hands on my dark-blue shorts. "Um...well..." 

Oh gee, why couldn't I just get it out already? Don't I know...? Oh God she probably thinks I'm weird - what on earth am I going to do now-

"Earth to Blue! Hey, Blue!" 

I gasped softly, suddenly snapping myself out of my thoughts, only to face the wide-eyed, beautifully emerald-green eyed girl before me that had been trying to call my name for the last minute - only I thought myself into an abyss (it happens more often then you'd expect and damn, is it bloody embarrassing!) and didn't hear her! "Oh! I- I'm sorry," I started to say, grabbing the book she had dropped into my lap and shyly putting it into my pack. "I didn't mean to..."

"It's alright! What are you apologizing for? I do it all the time! It drives Wolf INSANE!"

"Wolf?"

"He's my pa! He adopted me when I was like...a fetus."

"So he adopted you in the womb?"

"No, silly!" She said, chuckling softly, before playfully slapping me on my shoulder - a bit hard, if I may add - she may be tiny but BY GOD IS SHE STRONG! "Don't you know what a joke is, Blue? I meant like, super little!"

"Well, duh..." I replied, blushing a rather embarrassing shade of red. "Anyway, enough about that, I'm sorry again - um...what I meant earlier is that well...I suppose I trust you? A bit?" I said, sounding more like a question to myself, rather than a statement to her (oh yay me - how confident I always sound!). 

"Do you mean it, or are you just saying that so I'll fuck off?"

"I? Me...? Why would I ever tell you to 'fuck off'?"

She gave me a devious smirk and let out a few laughs, obviously attempting to stop herself from doing said-laughing, but failing MISERABLY. "Well, so you could fu-"

My eyes widened in horror and desperately shook my head, before slightly pushing her in pure embarrassment and utter shock. "No, no! Stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"What you were just about to say!"

"What was I about to say? What was I about to say?"

"That you were saying that I was going to-" 

I stopped myself and paused, forcing myself to take a deep breath, blushing even harder than before, my face feeling like a warm BURNER at this point, I was SO EMBARRASSED YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. "Oh my GOD - I know what you're trying to do! And I'm NOT going to say it!"

"Aw...why not!"

"Because- gah, I'm not explaining it!"

"Ahhh, fiiiiiine..." Sieglinde said finally, giggling as she shook her head and gave me what could be possibly considered the biggest, shit-eating grin on the planet. "That's valid, haha!"

"Valid, really?"

"What?"

"You're saying that in real li-"

Before I could finish my sentence, as I had anticipated beforehand, the bell rang - oh joy, time for my favorite (sarcasm) Government AP with the ever-so-exciting Mr. Spears and his glare of death!

I sighed and shook my head, and gathered my books and got up - before noticing a wheel...chair...? "Is that yours, by any chance?"

"Mhm-hm! Can you help me back into it? You know, if it's not to much trouble!" She said with a giggle, finally turning my attention to the two casts on her legs that seemed...pretty prominent. 

"Oh - that looks like it really, really hurt! Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine - no big deal, really. I snapped my ankles when I was super little, and for a while, they hurt like a bitch - long story short, they healed wrong, and I had to get surgery. It sucks, but it's just apart of life, you know?"

"I'm sorry that happened..." I said truthfully, gently pushing the wheelchair forward and offering to hold her backpack. 

"It's totally fine! And thanks, by the way. Not just cause you offered to carry my heavy-ass backpack, but also showed concern for me...not a lot of people here seem to do that, I've noticed." she said, a grateful smile on her lips as she handed it over, and I slung it on my shoulder, as well my backpack as well. "Can I touch you, so I can help you up?"

"Yup! Thanks for asking!"

I did so, and successfully gotten her back into her chair, which honestly shocked me. And without a hitch, too? Me, Aster Phantomhive-Michaelis? Successfully getting a girl into her wheelchair without dropping her on the floor due to the sheer shrimpiness of my arms? _Stunning._ "Would you like me to help me put your backpack on?"

"Sure, if it's not too much trouble. I don't wanna make you late, Blue! After all, if your anything like me, late attendance is one of the worst things in the world. I mean, seriously! Any good student should always make it a point to get to class on time, right?"

I blinked in surprise, finding myself nodding as I politely asked her to raise her arms, and painstakingly help her put her pack on (how on EARTH had I not realized just how HEAVY THIS THING WAS?). "You like being on time, too? Everyone I know is lucky to make it to their seats with less than 2 seconds to spare until the second bell!"

She giggled softly and smiled at me, making me blush (once again - oh God, when will it stop!) and awkwardly smile back. 

"So...I guess we'll be talking?"

"Yup! Lunch - don't miss it, Blue! Where do you hang out?"

"Well, where do you?"

"The lib-"

"-ary-"

We both looked at each other, our eyes wide. I found myself smiling like an idiot once again, and nodded as I (once again - why can't I stop doing this when I'm nervous...or just being a loser in general!) took a strand of my hair and twirled it around my finger. "1:20 is good, right?"

"You betcha!" she said, snapping out of her trance and starting to wheel herself around so she could leave.

I opened the door and stepped to the side so she could go through, and I followed her, closing the door behind us. "I...really enjoyed talking to you. Meet you at the tables near the windows facing the football field?"

"Bingo!"

"Sounds like a plan!"

We both said our goodbyes and headed on our separate ways, to our classes, when just as I was about to turn the hallway and walk up the stairs, I heard her.

_"Oh, and by the way, Blue! My name is Sieglinde Sullivan! Nice to meet you!"_


	2. the thorns

_The library at 1:20, the library at 1:20, the library-_

_"OW!"_ I cried, rubbing my forehead furiously as I stared at Maurice Cole, one of """prettiest""" (if you could call him that -

no amount of makeup could EVER fix how ugly he was on the inside) boys in school, walking away from me, cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West after just successfully whacking me in the head with his hefty binder. "Maurice, what the fuck is your problem?"

"Ohhh, my~ is that a swear I hear? You know, Aster, children shouldn't be swearing! What would your edgy emo _ADOPTIVE_ father say to you if he found out about this, let alone one of the teachers!"

"Okay, first of all: we're all children until we're 18. And second of all, when talking about my dad, why must you accentuate the 'adoptive' part? Is that a problem, Maurice? That I was adopted?" I asked, tears pricking the corners of my eyes as I felt the forming bruise on my forehead pound with pure ache as I tried to fight back the urge to go ape shit and scream at him all the profanities I knew in the book. "You always pull this kind of shit! What do you have against me?! I've never done anything to you - ever since were first met, you've always been so...so _toxic_ to me, and I don't understand!" 

Turning a heel, he gave me a douchy smirk and a cock of the head as he rested a fist on his hip, the other arm carrying his binder. "What does it matter to you, Phantomhive? Do you even comprehend what you're saying? Did the school mix you up with someone else? Is that why they let you here? And in the 11th grade? Please, this isn't elementary school, go back where you belong."

I stared at him, dumbfounded, as I felt my heart start to race, my palms sweat, and my head pound even _harder_. Was I even surprised at this point? This was shit he said to me all the time, in front of people even! It was okay - I was going to be fine. I have a meeting with Sieglinde in a few minutes, and I CANNOT be late, and I defiantly do not want to be crying - she's my first new friend in years! It's so fucking hard for me to make and keep relationships...it's not fair...

_I'm not going to cry._

_I'm not going to give Maurice the satisfaction that he made me cry._

_I will not cry._

_I will not break down._

_Just imagine Ciel is with you, Aster. If he was with you, he'd tell Maurice to go suck it and walk off to wherever I needed to! Come on, you can do it! If Ciel could do it, then you can! I haven't been practicing how he would handle stuff for nothing!_

_You will not embarrass yourself, Aster! - And you will not embarrass Ciel, either! I need this to go right! I can't have Sieglinde thinking I'm more of a pathetic, bitchy loner than she already probably does!_

"I..."

"Oh, don't even start. It doesn't matter. You try to sound smart, and sure maybe you are, but that doesn't mean fucking shit. For all we know, you could be faking, and you'll be kicked out for cheating-"

"Cheating?! F-Faking?! Why would I, in m-my right mind-"

"Just admit it, Aster. You're an annoying, edgy, little fuck that cheats to get his way into things to impress people because without his grades, he's nothing - and for the few things that he does actually know, that's all he's useful for! If he didn't know the things he did, then why would Finnian Carter, Elizabeth Midford, and "Prince" Soma Asman Kadar hang out with him? - He's only good for one thing, that's why. What a fucking laugh!"

I stood there, practically shaking in my knee-high black leather boots as I fought back the undeniable urge to cry - no, sob. The world started to spin as my head only seemed to throb and throb more - both because of the sheer amount of physical pain I was feeling, as well as the intensely emotional. 

Shaking my head, I breathed heavily as Maurice started to laugh, clearly happy that I was (definitely) about to break down into a puddle of tears. 

"Aww~ is little, sweet Phantomhive gonna _crrrryyyy_? Did I just hurt his pretty lil' _fweeeeelllliiiings_ ~? Awwww, poor him! Isn't that right, guys?" Maurice taunted, holding back a laugh as I looked up in complete and utter horror, realizing the crowd of his cronies that had formed around us, laughing at me as I fought back the urge to both faint and sob uncontrollably. 

"No...just..." I took a deep breath, holding back my tears as I grasped the straps to my backpack so hard that my knuckles started turning a pasty white. "L-Leave me alone..."

"Ah, what's this? Where's the cocky, bitchy attitude that you usually have, Aster? Not so tough now, are you? Where's you're stupid little friends now? That sparkly, cutesy, vomit-inducing fencing bitch? That annoying, air-headed royal dick that somehow likes you? That stupid, idiotic freak that can easily lift a big ass cafeteria table up? Where are they NOW, Phantomhive?!"

"Leave my friends alone, y-you fucking _ASSHOLE!_ " I managed to get out, my eye on my boots as I tried my best to gain the courage to look up.

_Why are you like this, Aster? Ciel would never act like this. What are you, a fucking disappointment? You told Ciel that you would be a brother he could be proud of, not embarrassed!_

_I'm such a failure._

_What horrible, stupid, bratty failure I am._

_I hate myself._

_I'll never be as loved and wonderful as Ciel was._

_I don't care what anyone says, Sebastian doesn't love me. He never has, who am I kidding? He only adopted me because he felt sorry for someone who was fucking pathetic as I am._

_What's the point of putting up this front, that I do? What's the point of even coming to school?_

_What's the point in anything if I can't-_

I felt a rough hand grab my light blue cardigan, and pull me up, causing a round of laughter as I felt someone yank my backpack off my shoulders, causing me to yelp in pain as I shuddered from the sudden, unwelcome forms of contact. 

"Isn't he just adorable, everyone? Look how tiny he is! It looks like it took no effort at all for Rodney to pick him up, isn't that just the cutest thing you've ever seen? He almost looks like a little dolly! - A Barbie, one of the little ones. What is her little sister's name again? Chelsea?" Maurice said with a gratifying cackle as he watched me being held up in their air like some kind of puppet. 

"Isn't he, haha!" 

"He looks like my little sister Stella's dolls from Christmas! How is he even real?"

"And the way he called you and 'asshole'? Isn't that just cute? He doesn't even look or sound serious!"

Another round of laughter erupted from the boys surrounding me, making it harder and harder to keep it together.

"What's wrong, Aster? Got nothing to say? Have you finally decided to not run your mouth and shut the fuck up for once?" Maurice asked, laughing as the tears finally started to leak from my face. 

"L-Let me go...and give my backpack back! What the fuck is wrong with you...?" I asked, breathing heavily as I started to cry, tears running down my face. "Leave me a-alone, for once i-in you're life!"

"Oh? And why would I do that? I finally made you cry! What part of you ever thought that I'd ever let you go after getting to such a moment? Imagine! Aster Phantomhive-Michaelis finally letting go of his bullshit, tough-bitch act and crying like the little pussy he is, huh?"

"F-Fuck off..."

"Mhm...hm~ sure, Phantomhive. But only after I get in some pictures!" He said in a sickeningly-sweet voice, pulling out his brand new iPhone from his back pocket and turning it on to the camera function, pointing it directly at me. 

"What the FUCK do you think you're doing, YOU NARRISTIC DOUCHE!" 

Maurice and his cronies eyes widened in shock and snapped their heads to behind me, where a familiar German-laced voice rang out, clearly achingly FURIOUS. 

"I- what the-"

_"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!"_ Sieglinde, the bright-eyed, dark-haired girl in a wheelchair roared, her voice laced with pure venom and her eyes so angry you could shudder at just the sight of them. "I DON'T CARE WHO THE HELL YOU THINK YOU ARE, BUT YOU'RE NOT FUCKING WITH MY FRIEND! YOU COME FOR BLUE, YOU COME FOR ME YOU PASTY-ASS BITCH!"

A few of the boys, clearly frightened by Sieglinde already, ran off in different directions as some of them, Maurice and the boy holding me, and the other who had my stolen backpack staying behind in shock. 

"Now," She said, lowering her voice as she shook with anger, gently wheeling herself to us. "We're either gonna do this the easy way, or the hard way. You either give me Blue, and his backpack back and everything will be A-OK, or you don't, and I'll fuck you up. _Got it?"_ She offered, practically seething. 

Regaining his composure, Maurice gave Sieglinde an annoyed look and shook his head, crossing his arms. "Uh-huh? Sure, babyface. I'll give your stupid, bitchy little boyfriend back, once I'm done with him, so wait - ok? Or else I'll snap those legs right back in two," he sneered, giving Sieglinde an awful look as a boy behind her grabbed her wheelchair unwarranted and pulled her aside, causing her to scream. 

"NO! THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'M LETTING YOU EMBARRASS HIM FURTHER - AND _GET YOUR HANDS OFF_ OF MY WHEELCHAIR! YOU CAN'T TOUCH IT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!" She screamed, taking one of my beloved Sherlock Holmes books from her green-and-black sparkly backpack, and hitting the kid that had grabbed her wheelchair so hard that it knocked him off balance. "GET AWAY FROM US!"

Reaching to grab her, the boy holding me finally let go, and I fell to the ground, causing me to awkwardly land on my wrist. I cried out in pain, sitting up as I held it, rubbing it gently as tears streamed down my face like a waterfall. 

"YOU BITCH!" Maurice roared angrily, making his way towards Sieglinde. "I'LL-"

"You'll WHAT, Maurice?" 

Everyone snapped their heads forward, to Miss Grelle Sutcliff, the 10th English Literature teacher, who also managed the school's Fashion Club. "What on God's green earth do you THINK you're DOING to Aster Phantomhive-Michaelis and Sieglinde Sullivan?"

Before anyone could answer, Miss Sutcliff cut them off once again. 

"I'm not letting any of you answer, because I'm sure the cameras caught them all- that, and Maurice Cole standing over Aster like he's about to hurt him - no, scratch that, he's bruised, he's cradling his wrist and he's sobbing? Jeremy Cook with Aster's backpack? Seth Winchester and Rodney Jones with their hands-on Seiglinde's wheelchair? The rest of everyone else as well, seeing all this but not doing anything but encourage it? No chances. Principal's office. Now. - Every single one of you, minus Sieglinde and Aster - you two, to the nurse's office, and you'll be answering questions." Miss Sutcliff said, uncharacteristically serious as she glared dagger at Maurice and his cronies, leading them all to drop what they were doing (my backpack included - thank GOD) and march down to the Principal like a group of soldiers that had just gotten screamed at by their drill sergeant. 

Letting out a heavy sigh, and rubbing her temples, Miss Sutcliff walked over to me and offered her hand which I ignored as I broke down into muffled sobs, tears gushing down my face as I covered it with shaky hands, my whole body trembling as I tried to ignore all the pain I had been feeling up to that point.

"Oh my..." Miss Sutcliff mumbled, giving me a sympathetic look, just as Sieglinde wheeled herself to the both of us, a very worried look on her face as she hesitantly spoke up.

"B-Blue...?" Sieglinde asked in a soft whisper, tears threatening to spill as her hand hovered above me shoulder before shook her head, and pulled it back. "Are you...no, what the hell am I even saying? You're far from alright. After what whoever the fuck his name is and his stupid goons did that to you? I'd be a mess! - And that's a complete understatement!" 

I stayed in that spot for a while, sobbing hysterically while Miss Sutcliff and Sieglinde sat next to me on the floor, offering words of comfort and encouragement as the tried to coax me to get up and go to the nurses. 

Sieglinde asked permission to touch me and I nodded, struggling to get my tears under control but to no avail. She rubbed my back and gave me an awkward hug (awkward, because she was super high up, due to her wheelchair and I was practically hunched into a tiny ball). 

"Sieglinde will stay with you until your father can pick you up, alright Aster?" Miss Sutcliff offered, earning a nod from Sieglinde and a barely-noticeable shrug from me. "Does that sound good, dear?"

"M-Mhm....hm..." I managed to get out, finally looking up at the two after what felt like an eternity. 

"Good. I'll be taking you both to the nurses, alright?"

We both nodded, and Miss Sutcliff smiled sadly at us, making her way to somewhat behind Sieglinde and scooping up my backpack and carefully putting all the things that had previously fallen out, back in. As she was putting all of my fallen items back into my pack, Sieglinde gave me a warm smile and offered me her hands to stand up, which I shyly accepted.

With the aide of Sieglinde, I stood back up, and before I knew it, there Sieglinde and I were, in the nurse's office, awaiting Miss Sutcliff's next words as she spoke to Nurse Angela.

* * *

I sat on the infirmary cot Nurse Angela had led me to, just as we came in, where she had immediately given me a box of tissues and an ice pack. I placed the pack on my (very VERY) sore wrist, and practically went to town on the tissues, using them up and dropping them into the nearby trash can like a dead fly. 

My eye ached I dried it, clearly very stiff from crying so much. My forehead still hurt tremendously, from the wack I took earlier, and my arms felt like they weren't even there - God, Seth sure knew how to yank backpacks from people, Jesus fucking CHRIST.

"I'm sorry, Blue. About everything," Sieglinde finally said, looking up to me from her backpack, that was currently occupying her lap. "If I had just come a few minutes earlier, we would have already both been in the library, making you feel better, and not missing lunch, but yet here we are: in the nurses' office, YOUR FEELING HORRIBLE, and NO LUNCH!" she told me, clearly beyond frustrated as she grabbed her short locks, and twisted them angrily. 

"It's fine..." I mumbled softly, looking up to her. "It's my fault."

"You're what...?" 

"My fault," I repeated, a bit louder as I dropped yet another used tissue into the trashcan next to me. "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be wasting your damn day..." I started to tear up once again, making me instantly reach up and wipe my eye.

"You're fault? Blue, no! How could you ever say that?" She asked, shocked, shaking her head. "Nothing is your fault!"

"Yes, it is...I should have warned you that Maurice Cole had it out for me ever since I came here last year! He's always hated me, and his only goal EVER has been to see me knocked down a peg or two!"

"Why would he want to do that?"

I fell silent and looked down at my lap. What do I tell her? That I'm a bratty, lying, asshole? That I like to do shit that helps me take advantage of other people's talents to help me? 

_Oh God, how do I even have friends?_

_Why does anyone that actually hangs around me, want to be around me?_

_I'm the very definition of unlikable-_

"Many reasons...I'm not exactly what you would call 'the nicest person'," I explained awkwardly, a soft sigh escaping my lips. "The main reason? I ratted him out last year, just before the summer break that he was bullying other kids to get places, and overall being the fakest motherfucker on the planet - even faker than me, which is impressive. I'll bet anyone my entire allowance that he was trying to get in Edgar Redmond's pants - God, he's so ANNOYING!"

"Oh, God..." Sieglinde mumbled, a slight smile appearing on her rose-bud pink lips. "What happened to him? Oh my fucking Christ, what did Edgar, whatever his name is do?"

"Well..." I couldn't help but smile as well - what can I say! Sieglinde's smiles are contagious! - and let out a giggle, looking over to Miss Sutcliff and Nurse Angela who were still in deep conversation. I smirked softly and motioned her to come a bit closer. "He almost got expelled, right off that bat!"

"What saved him? He should off gotten kicked out!"

"Fucking Edgar," I said, trying my best not to laugh. "He was like 'I believe in second chances'! And the Principal was like 'yeah I guess so but you're suspended for like six months and all this other shit'! - I live in confidence, though. There's no doubt he's getting expelled now! Plus, his mum said that if he pulled this shit again, he's going straight into a military academy!" 

Her eyes widened, and she covered her mouth - desperately trying her best to muffle her laughter, but failing horribly. "Are you serious? This is fucking hilarious! What a thot!"

"Who's a thot?"

"Maurice, silly!"

I made a face and shook my head, chuckling. "I couldn't have said it better myself," I said, cringing, as I rubbed my forehead which still ached like hell.

"What's all this laughter about, Miss Sullivan?"

* * *

"Ah, so this is your bedroom, eh Blue?" 

I nodded softly, making my may to my bay window, and taking a seat on the cushioned plush that took up the ledge, as well as the many throw pillows that were seated there. "Mhm-hm. You're not going to bully me for all the stuffed animals, I hope?"

She shook her head and smiled, wheeling herself to me. "Nope! Why would I? I love stuffed animals...can't sleep without at least one! What about you?"

"Honestly...?" I asked, blushing softly, clearly somewhat embarrassed, even though she did the same I did. "Yeah...only one, though. He's a grey bunny that Sebastian made me the first month...back when he was fostering me. I can't sleep without it!"

"That's so sweet of him! He can sew? That's so, so cool!"

I nodded, finding myself smiling. "Yeah! He makes me one every year - for Christmas. There's Bitter, the first one, Caramel, my second one which is an owl, Sundae, the third one which is a puppy-"

"Awwwww! I love that!" Sieglinde giggled, before unzipping her backpack and taking out a plush kitten with sewn-in eyes, black fur, with a white underbelly. "This is my favorite! Her name is Forest! Forest, meet Bitter!" she grinned broadly, shoving it in my face, and making me laugh.

"She's so cute!" I told Sieglinde truthfully, getting back up and looking around my room for a second before finally finding the bunny sitting on the edge of my bed. I picked it up, and walked back over to Sieglinde, where I sat back down on the ledge I had before and showed it to her - and Forest? "Ah, yes. Bitter, meet Forest -"

We both looked at each other and laughed, smiling like complete idiots. 

"Thank you...for coming back with me...you didn't have to, you know...after all, there's a bunch of stuff going on at school! The Valentine's Day party in Miss Sutcliff's class? The cookies that they're giving out in the lunchroom? The heart-o-gram...thingies that they're handing out? - All that other, fun stuff?"

"Ah, that's fine! As fun as it sounds - and I really wanted to go at first...but...that was before I met you, this morning."

"What do you mean?"

"Before today, I...didn't...have any friends here. You're the only one that has ever really been interested in me - no one wants to talk to me, and I'm not very surprised. After all, I belong in middle school...not...older people...highschool...stuff." she explained, a sigh escaping her lips, before looking up at me and giving me a soft smile. "I'm super grateful that you even tolerate me, haha!"

"I...know how you feel."

"You do, Blue?"

I nodded softly, giving her a slight shrug as I smiled sadly. "You heard Maurice, right...? I obviously don't look like your average 17-year-old, haha!" I joked, letting out an awkward laugh. 

"You're 13, right?"

"Sadly. Sometimes, I wonder...if it's a curse being so..." gifted", as everyone puts it. Ever since I've come to Weston High, rarely have I ever been...happy. No one really gets me, as...edgy, as it sounds. It's near impossible for me to make new friends...Everyone I know has come up to me, not the other way around. It's that or I known them since forever, which, in this case, would only be Elizabeth...she's been in my life ever since I was a baby. She was..." I paused, suddenly feeling very numb.

"Aster...?"

I stayed silent as I sat there, staring off into the distance. 

_Ciel..._

_I miss him so much..._

_I_ _'m sure Elizabeth misses him, as well...Why did I have to come back? Surely, she would have been happier if he had-_

"Aster?"

"Huh?!" I asked, suddenly snapping out of my trance. I looked up to Sieglinde, and felt something...wet? On my face? 

Confused, I reached up to my cheek and touched it, freezing in horror once I realized that I had started to cry once again. Shaking my head, I started to cry once again as I desperately tried to wipe them away - but to no avail. They just seemed to come and come! "I'm sorry..." 

"Aster, please...it's not you're fault. NOTHING is your fault, do you understand me?" She said, shakily getting up before clumsily plopping down next to me, and offering her open arms. "We've waited far too long to talk about this..."

I crawled into her hold, continuing to cry as I wrapped my arms gently around her neck. 

"I should have done this earlier. We had time at the nurse's office, at our lockers, at the office, after Wolf said I could go home with you and your dad picked us up, during the car ride, when we stopped off at IHOP for lunch....when we here and played some Minecraft...when we took a walk in the park...? When you invited me up here...? - Which, I'm sure, you had to have a lot of courage to do considering what your dad told me about you-"

"What did h-he say...?"

"Nothing bad, I promise. He just said that you had a hard life, and it was hard for you to trust people...something that happened to you made you...-"

"-Not trust most people."

"Yeah..."

She looked at me and gave me a warm smile. "I promise, no matter what you tell me, I'm still gonna wanna be your friend!"

"You just saying that because Sebastian bribed you?"

Sieglinde let out a laugh and snorted, shaking her head as she shook with laughter. "No, I promise! I would never do that someone - that's really shitty! What, are you telling me Sebastian's bribed people to hang out with you, before?"

"No..."

"Then why would you think that?"

"I don't know...sometimes I feel like he finds me really annoying. I like never leave my room, or try to go and get my friends to hang out unless they ask first!"

"Why would he find you annoying? He loves you, silly!"

"Uh huuuuuh...sure. If he doesn't love you, then why did he get you that cute lil doggy downstairs?"

"Cerebrus...?"

"Mhm-hm!"

"He wanted me to be happy...I...wait - I guess he does..."

"AH HA!"

"There's literally nothing he hates more than dogs...but he still got me a puppy...?"

"See...? He does! And that's just one of the ways that he shows his love for you."

I pulled back from her, gently wiping my tears away before looking back up. "I'm sorry for wasting so much time..."

"Apologize one more time, I dare you!"

"Okay, ok! I get it! I say sorry too much, geez..." I flushed a bright red and shrugged. "I'm not sorry...? I guess?"

She smiled and nodded, before taking my hand (literally, I think my heart just jumped out?) and squeezing it lightly. "Good. You know, Blue, you should never have to apologize for this stuff...or anything else you wanna tell me. Everything you say matters...you know?"

"Really...?"

"I promise."


	3. weeds may try to suffocate me, but don't fret: she's in the garden this aftenoon, looking after me

_"Almost three years ago, people came for my family..."_

* * *

It felt like an eternity since 'it' had happened...but at the same time, it felt like it was just yesterday.

It hurts terribly to think about.

Every single second ached like fucking HELL.

The day had started like any other, only that day, it was mine and Ciel's birthday. We were so excited! Mum and Dad promised for months that it would be tons of fun...they put so much work into making that day special for us... 

They let us sleep late, and let us eat all the sweets we wanted for breakfast and lunch.

They let us play all day, with no school work.

They gave us a few of our presents early before our party.

Our party.

The party.

It was going to be amazing...Mum and Dad said so. If 'they' hadn't come, I'm sure it would have been. Ciel and I got a sneak peek of all the decorations, our baking cake, the favors, the wrapped presents from our parents and other people that couldn't make it...

I was so happy...Ciel was happy...everyone was happy.

The day was going so well, too...but then Dad got really scared. He took all of us - my Mum, Ciel, me, our dog, and got into the car, and we all sped off with nothing but the clothes on our backs. I don't know how long we drove for, but it felt like years.

We passed house after house, place after place, rest stop after rest stop...

Motel after motel...

The day became night and night became day...

It seemed liked forever.

One day, just as the sun was going down, Dad was driving more erratically than usual. We were all terrified, and we didn't know why - Mom begged him to stop, but he told her that we couldn't... 

He drove faster.

Faster.

Faster.

FASTER.

He was going so fast that everything seemed to blend into each other...I couldn't pick anything apart, and I didn't know where we were going...and when Dad did eventually stop...I didn't know where we were.

Some random forest, maybe?

He was sobbing...Mom was, too. They both looked so fucking terrified. 

They both looked like a mess - he hadn't shaved in days, sweat was running down his face - she hadn't brushed her hair in eternity, and her makeup was everywhere. 

They held Ciel, and I closed and asked us to take care of each other.

They told us to run, and never, ever come back.

They told us our life here wasn't safe anymore.

They told us 'the bad people' were coming to kill us.

Ciel sobbed.

I stood there, like a block of ice.

Mom told me to take our dog and run. If 'they' were going to kill someone, then it was going to be her and Dad. Ciel and I didn't deserve this, but 'they' didn't care that we were innocent. 

'They' said we all needed to die.

At that moment, I had never felt so numb. The world spun as I processed Mom's information, and my stomach ached. I wanted so badly to cry, but no tears would fall. All I could feel was empty.

So, so empty.

It hurt.

I hated myself for not crying. 

Mom and Dad were going to die, and I /at the time had convinced myself/ didn't care.

I hugged them, but it wasn't long before I had to pull away.

Dad was sobbing.

Mom was silent, her eyes lost in the distance.

I said goodbye, and turned around, holding Ciel's hand, and we ran. 

Ran.

Ran.

Ran.

Coughing.

Ran.

Ran.

Wheezing.

Ran.

Ran.

Crying.

Ran.

Throwing up.

Ran.

Ran.

Ran.

Wheezing.

Ran.

Ran.

Ran.

_SNAP._

_"ASTER!"_

I stopped in my tracks, my heart feeling like it was about ready to explode in my chest due to everything that had been happening. My ears rang like a bell, and my world was going in circles.

Looking around, I couldn't find Ciel.

My world...it wouldn't stop spinning.

Everything ached.

I couldn't see it.

I couldn't breathe.

I felt sick.

_"C-Ciel...?"_ I somehow managed to croak out as I stumbled through the vast forest, my lips chapped, and my entire lower half pulsating with agonizing pain. _"Where are... where are you...? I...can't-"_

_"ASTER!"_

_"C-Ciel...?"_

I can't possibly explain how I felt at that moment. Each time Ciel called my name, it was a scream of pure agony. He was in pain, and I had no fucking idea where he was. 

I walked and walked and walked for what seemed like hours before hearing an unfamiliar voice, causing me to gasp in complete and utter horror. My senses were horrible, but I could just make out a tree...I grasped the trunk and moved around it, and stood as straight as a stick, soon hearing footsteps pass me, causing me to shudder like a leaf. 

In the distance, I heard a scream silenced with a gunshot.

In the same direction, I heard more screaming and the sound of...something...hitting a person?

It lasted for a while, but then, just like before, the screams eventually calmed down.

Gone.

"Cie-"

I tripped and felt a SEARING, UNBELIEVABLE PAIN.

I couldn't see in my left eye. 

My eye.

It was-

It was gone.

My eye-

_" **CIEL!"**_

* * *

"What happened after that...?"

"I.."

"No, it's fine, Aster...You don't have to tell me anymore."

Sieglinde scooted closer to me and pulled me close, letting me rest my head on her lap as I cried like a baby, practically burying my face in her stomach as I held onto her. "You're so brave for telling me this..." she mumbled softly, tears streaming down her face as she stroked my hair. "If I were you...I...wouldn't even know how to process anything, anymore...how did you do it...?"

I shrugged, breathly heavily as I tried to control my crying (to me, nothing was more embarrassing and weak then crying - the fact that I couldn't stop made me want to bury my head as a whole, and die.) "I...I don't k-know..."

"You don't?"

"Well....honestly..." I started, shakily wiping my tears away as I gave her a broken, semi-sad smile. "The people..."

"The people?"

"Not 'those' people..."

"When who?"

"Can I touch you, Sieglinde?"

"Sure!"

I took her hands, and held them, giving them a gentle squeeze. "Everyone around me. Just them listening to me meant everything...even if I was terrified of saying anything...Sebastian really helped me. He told me that I'd be able to talk, and breathe if I...talked to people...rather than closing myself off and locking myself away. He convinced me to talk to Elizabeth again...and go back to day school...which I made more friends that I could trust," I told her, truthfully. "At first I was scared of them...I didn't know if it was right...if they'd understand...if they cared...but they did...God, that took me so long....They care....You care...."

I chuckled softly through my tears, and pulled her close, giving her a loving hug. "Thank you, Sieg...."

"What did I do...?"

"You helped me realize...that opening up to people is okay. That people....not everyone is just....I don't know, God, I feel so sappy...and stupid."

"Ah, don't call yourself stupid! Your far from it! And...you mean...I helped you realize that...-"

"I can trust people. I can have friends. People, that care...."

She looked at me and smiled brightly, and gave me a tight hug. "I'm so happy, Aster! You make me so happy...I never really had any friends before, so knowing that I helped you that much is just..." she took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second, before opening them, revealing a beautiful, brilliant green (did I seriously just call her-) and giggled. "I..."

"I love you-"

"-love you."

Surprised at ourselves we sat there for a while, staring at ourselves in shock. 

"In what way do you-"

We both paused again, taken aback that we had seriously asked ourselves that at the same time...

"Aster, I feel like this is a weird and kind of um...I don't know...time to be asking you this...can I touch you?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, please, with you, its always something."

Sieglinde giggled adorably (oh god, here I go again with the weird-) and took my hands, pulling me close. "Do you trust me, Blue?"

"Oh, so I thought we were out of the 'Blue Zone', but here we are again...?"

"Hey, don't judge me!"

"Whatever..."

"You didn't answer the question!"

"Fiiiiiiine."

_She leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek._


	4. oh, the poppies that cover for miles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilac: Beginning of a new love; a first love.
> 
> Peonies: healing
> 
> Poppies: peace

"Aster! It's so pretty!"

"It is?"

"Uh-huh!" 

I smiled shyly at her, awkwardly handing her the rose as Cerebrus, my dog, excitedly jumped around Sieglinde's and I's feet. "They were my Mum's favorite rose, and their mine too...I thought you might like them, as well."

"I do, Aster. I really, REALLY do!" she nodded, giggling, grabbing my hands and twirling us around like a pair of fools. She laughed wholeheartedly, pulling me with her as she led me through our garden, stopping every so often to pick several flowers before twirling us around again. "Isn't it lovely?"

"I would be lying if I said it wasn't. As much as I love winter, I think, because of you, Spring is a close favorite of mine."

"Really...?"

"Would I lie to you, Sieg?"

She stopped in her tracks and placed her hands on her hips, shaking her head before laughing. "You're really asking me this, Blue?"

"Okay fine," I chuckled, giving her a shrug. "Most of the time!"

"Correct answer," Sieglinde said, spinning around, with lilac, peony, and poppies in the grasp of her hands, smiling like an angel.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Whatever you think, it does!"

"Why can't you just answer the question?"

She giggled and came over to me, and dropped the flowers that had been in her hands, giving me a warm hug. "Ah, I, for one, think you ask too many. Let's just enjoy today, alright? After all, spring break will be over soon, and I don't want to waste it!"

"But what about summer break?"

"That's a long way away, Blue! We have testing, the ending of classes, and graduation!"

"Graduation...? God, I feel so old!"

"Oh calm down, drama king! You're only 14!"

"What fourteen-year-old graduates high school?"

"The smart kind! - Just like me - us, if you will!"

I sighed and hugged her back, taking in the scenery around us. It had been Valentine's Day the year before I had first come here, and then, there hadn't been any flowers that grew here...It had been barren...desolate.

Littered in dead plants, weeds, and dry, rocky earth...clearly not taken care of.

Not... _.loved._

* * *

Sieglinde told me that no one had ever bothered to plant anything there, and Wolf didn't know how to garden, and they had only just gotten there early that winter. So there it sat, alone and unattended for Lord knows how long, without anyone...

Just like my garden.

No, just like how my garden used to be...before her.

That Valentine's Day, I demanded that we fix the garden and replant it, and Sieglinde had readily agreed. 

We worked on it together, just the two of us, and before we knew it, four kinds of flowers inhabited our garden: peonies, lilacs, poppies, and my mother's favorite white roses. 

I loved it.

Every single part of it, even though the selection was somewhat limited. Sebastian had helped us with picking them out and said that it would be a bit strange to have such limitations, but he thought it was beautiful.

_"It's your and Sieglinde's garden, after all."_

I smiled like a lovesick idiot and retreated into my bedroom with a new sense of happiness. Never had I felt so...giddy...? Before! At that moment, I wanted nothing more to run out of the house and kiss Sieglinde. I was so happy!

I crawled onto my bay window ledge and grabbed the journal that sat atop it, and began writing to Ciel, like I always had ever since Sebastian had given me the journal when he first accepted me into his home, back when he had been my foster parent. 

It made me feel like I could honestly talk to him, and say what I needed and feel content. I know he'd never reply back - which, the fact broke my heart, but it was okay. 

One day, I'd get to see him again, and I could tell him everything. Until now, I had this journal, and it would do for now.

* * *

"You alright, Aster?" Sieglinde asked, coming up behind me as I absentmindedly stood there, among a sea of poppies, lost in my own thoughts about the year before. "You keep going quiet...have a lot to think about?"

I nodded softly, a slight blush dusting my cheeks as I turned around to face her. "Yeah...it's just about last year...A lot has changed, hasn't it?"

"It has," she confirmed, nodding as well. "It feels like only yesterday when I first called you 'Blue', haha! You know, I honestly thought that after the first few times of me calling you that, you'd get annoyed and tell me to shut up!"

"Well, at first I was kind of annoyed but it's grown on me," I told her with an honest smile, squeezing her hand. "I'm surprised though...you call me 'Aster' a lot more than I thought you ever would."

I walked over to a nearby patch of peonies and sat down, picking a few a Sieglinde soon followed suit, the flowers that she had previously dropped several minutes earlier, now back in her hands. 

She sat next to me and set the pile of flowers in front of us, a soft, lazy smile on her face as she started to pick a few. "I'm happy..." She stated quietly, snuggling up to me. "Are you?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked with a giggle, plucking a flower and gently putting it in her hair, making her smile even more than she was previously. "For once, my garden is alive and well. I haven't found any weeds in what seems like forever!"

"...What...? Aster, you really have to start catching me up on all those garden analogies you always like to make!" 

I laughed and shugged, a sunny grin stretching across my lips. "Oops...I guess I keep forgetting- I can explain it now, if you want to."

"Of course! We have all the time in the world, haha!"

* * *

_For the longest time, I had convinced myself that I wasn't worthy of happiness. That companionship didn't matter - to me, I didn't need friends. I didn't need a girlfriend - they'd all take what they wanted from me and leave me in the dust, alone to wither away in my lonely garden while weeds attacked the last living parts of me._

_I had my adoptive father, Sebastian, and our dog that we adopted together, Cerebrus, but it just wasn't the same. It was hard to talk to him about everything, even though I knew he cared - in his own, Sebastian, sort of way. Every time I tried, I always got this weird, queasy feeling and changed the subject. After all, why would I tell him how I feel? Their both just going to leave me anyways, so what's the point?_

_I thought that everyone would throw me away for the longest time...or that after a while, they'd leave me._

_One certain Valentine's Day afternoon, a certain Sieglinde Sullivan taught me otherwise, and I'll never stop being grateful._

_._

_._

_._

_Last year changed everything, and I could finally start to trust._

_It was a wonderful, freeing feeling that I'll never forget. The moment I finally told her was the moment I realized that I could do it. That there are people that care for me, that won't act like they do and then throw me away when it's most convenient..._

_I needed to talk, and really get it off my chest._

_I needed to not only understand myself, but also other people._

_It was hard, but I finally told someone that wasn't Sebastian, which led me to eventually gaining the courage to tell my other friends, and really realize that not every person under the sun would hate me, or toss me aside._

_I just needed to find the right people, and I had. I was just too scared._

_I needed to stop bottling it all up and keeping it a secret, and lying about being "fine" when I obviously, truly wasn't._

_It's still hard, yes, but it's alright. I have Sebastian, Sieglinde, and everyone else...even if I feel like I don't. They're always here for me, and I need to remember that._

_I've finally learned to embrace and accept all the new flowers in my re-growing garden._


	5. peonies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue.
> 
> Aster's mentioned last journal entry to Ciel.

Dear Ciel,

I hope you're having a good day today, with Mum and Dad. Sieglinde and I are going to start planting our garden in the next few days, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited. 

You probably don't really believe I am, because let's face it: I hate dirt. It's disgusting, but that's fine...It's for Sieglinde. - Just like how I read a whole dictionary for her a few months ago, which I'm sure you wouldn't believe either. After all, what book could be drier than the dictionary? The answer? Nothing. Literally, nothing. It was the worst and I hated it, but it was for her, so I got over it.

She loves dirt and completely, unironically loves reading the entire English dictionary. Who knew?

Anyways, I'm getting super off-topic! Back to the garden...? I...keep talking about gardens, and flowers to you for a while now, and comparing us all to them. For a while, like I told you, always felt...

Deserted.

Broken.

Barren.

\- Any other words for "lost, unhappy, or destroyed" you could think of...for the longest time, ever since you all left, I felt like my garden was overrun. Unloved...taken over by thorns, time, the elements, and...weeds...

I felt like no one loved me.

Like anyone that I managed to have apart of my life would either eventually be torn out, be planted in a new garden, or just...wither away.

When I lost you, I felt like my garden was going to be abandoned forever, with no company of that but the weeds that entangled me what's felt like an entire lifetime.

And for a while, that's how it was...until one by one, the world around me started to be mended, and new flowers were added to my garden...the weeds and thorns started to disappear...

I didn't realize all that had happened, or that I could trust the new flowers...

I was so, so scared.

What if they were just using me?

What if they hated me?

What if I wasn't worthy of their company?

For the longest time, I thought this, and I didn't know that I could trust them...I thought they were eventually going to be turned into something else, so I made myself a barrier and almost completely pushed myself away from them.

I was convinced that they didn't want me like I was something horribly disgusting that didn't deserve anything...I was wrong, though.

That was until a brand new flower was planted in my garden; a lonely little peony. 

I didn't know if I could trust her at first, but then less than a day past by, and I told her everything. That night, the first time we visited our garden, she asked me to be her boyfriend. I was scared (as usual - a recurring theme with me as a whole, really) and I didn't know what to tell her.

I said no at first, but right before I went home I said yes, and felt like an idiot on the car ride back. I said it so fast I thought she'd miss me, but she hadn't. 

The next day, as I came into homeroom, there she was, as bright and happy as can be, bragging to everyone about her new boyfriend, and just how...Gah, I can't write this without wanting to break down.

Long story short, she was really happy, and I was really happy.

For the first time in forever, I'M _HAPPY._

I've never smiled so much in the past few months!

At last, my garden is _free_ of all the weeds and thorns that had once overtaken it. 

That Valentine's Day that I mentioned...was the day she taught me that I could open up to people without losing anyone...without being torn apart...without being hurt. 

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_I couldn't trust anyone for the longest time, and now I feel like I can trust every last one of the flowers planted in my graden...and for that...I'll never, ever stop being grateful for her._


End file.
